First Cut
by Kitten Kisses
Summary: Sango turned the knife over in her hand and the blade flashed in the moonlight that poured through the treetops. She looked carefully at the little knife. How could something so small... take away the pain for so long? [DISCONTINUED...]
1. So Lonely Inside

**_First Cut_**

**-So Lonely Inside**

**~_+~_++_~+_~**

Okay! I'm back with something 'different' for me........^___^;; I've got a cough from my brother *glares* Grrrr........ So since I'm hacking every other second....... 

Anyway, I always wondered at the "Kagome cuts herself" fics because, why would Kagome want to cut herself? IF you follow the storyline of Inuyasha, you know that she has a wonderful mother, a funny grandpa, and a little brother that looks up to her and her feudal friends. So WHY would she want to cut herself?

On the other hand, Sango has all the reasons that Kagome doesn't. She has no parents-they're dead, and her brother is being controlled by her arch-enemy, whom she can't destroy just yet. And even when she does kill him, Kohaku'll die, because he can't survive without the jewel shard in his back. (Unless Naraku's lying......)

So here's my idea of a "Sango-cuts-herself" fic........ I haven't seen one of these yet, so if I stole your idea, let me know. ^-^;;

~_+~_++_~+_~

_Again.......again they had failed to save Kohaku from Naraku's grasp....... _

Sango glared down at the little book she was writing in, eyebrows furrowed.  Putting the writing utensil Kagome called a 'pencil' into the middle of the book, she shut it and put it into her blue yard of cloth with her exterminator clothes. 

_She had once again failed Kohaku......._

She picked up the paring knife and took a spot beside Kagome to cut up some vegetables for that evening's dinner. 

She didn't say anything to her companion, no conversation was needed.

_It was her fault that Kohaku was still in Naraku's control._

Sometimes, she wished that they would just come out and say it, but other times she was glad that her companions refrained from telling her outright that it was her own fault.

Nobody was talking. Even the genki Shippo was resting quietly in the corner.

_'Stop looking at me!'_ she wanted to shout. _'Stop it!'_

But she kept her opinions to herself. 

Though, she knew that they were looking at her. All of them were. Shippo was staring at her with wide eyes, licking a lollipop that Kagome had given him earlier. Inuyasha was looking at her from the corner of his eye, and Kagome stopped cutting vegetables every once in awhile to give her a sympathetic look.

And the houshi....... 

He looked at her in pity.

'I don't need your pity!' she yelled mentally. 'I don't need pity from anyone! Especially when you all know that it's my fault to begin with!'

So she kept her eyes downcast, pretending she didn't notice that they were all staring at her. Pretending that four pairs of eyes weren't boring into her very being.

She felt something on her leg, and her gaze dropped to the ground to see Kirara purring against her. The little youkai kitten put her paws up on Sango's leg and looked at her questioningly.  "Mew?"

Sango picked up the tiny youkai and buried her face in the kitten's fur. She hugged her pet to her chest and let a tear run from the corner of her eye. 

"Are you alright?" Kagome asked, concernedly. "You can always sit down if you're not up to-"

"I'm fine," Sango said in a firm voice, setting Kirara back down on all fours. Picking up the paring knife again, she chopped at the vegetables with more force than was necessary.

"If I were you I wouldn't cut them so quickly......." Kagome warned. "You might cut yourself."

But Kagome's  warning came too late, as the knife came down on palm of Sango's hand.

"Feh, serves you right, Kagome warned you," Inuyasha said, giving his two cents.

Miroku sent a dirty look Inuyasha's way. "Have you no compassion?" he asked dryly.

"Are you alright, Sango?" Kagome asked, and waved a hand in front of Sango's face.

Sango stared down at the knife that she clutched in her right hand. The blade sunk halfway through her left hand's palm. "Y-yeah," she stuttered. "I'm fine......."

"Are you sure?"

"Hai, I'm fine," Sango assured her, pulling the knife back out of her skin. Blood oozed down her arm when she lifted her hand up to inspect the damage done.

"Miroku-sama, get the bandages from my backpack, please," Kagome ordered. "C'mon Sango, sit down over here......."

"B-but, the vegetables need-"

"Shippo can help me finish them," Kagome told her. "You need to sit down. Now, hold your hand over your head."

_'I.......didn't hurt.......'_ Sango thought, as Miroku and Kagome wrapped her hand in bandages.

She glanced down at the knife she still held in her right hand, her hand was fisted around the knife, the skin of her right palm barely touching the blade.

'For a minute, just a minute,' she thought to herself. 'I didn't hurt.' 

She slipped the knife into her sleeve.

~_+~_++_~+_~

Her eyes snapped open abruptly later that night.

'Huh.......?' she wondered to herself.

It was then, that she remembered the evening's happening's.

_Kohaku......._

_Staring......._

_Pity......._

_The knife......._

She reached into her right sleeve and pulled out the little red paring knife. She glanced around her, at Shippo and Kagome, who were curled up to her right; the houshi who was sleeping propped up against a tree, and at the hanyou who appeared to be asleep in the tree. Kirara was curled up at her feet. 

She looked carefully at the little knife.

_How could something so small....... take away the pain for so long?_

~Come on, Sango~ her inner voice said sternly. ~Was it really that long of a period of time?~

'Oh yes,' she told herself. 'Those few minutes of forgetfulness were the best I've ever had.'

~Are you sure?~ her inner voice sighed. ~They were just a few minutes of time....... What about the other twenty-four hours in a day?~

'Oh....... Well, I think I could make it through the day if I could forget all of it's happenings for just a few minutes.'

~Forget what?~ the voice asked her. ~Forget the death's of your family?~

'Hai. To forget that their death's were my fault, to forget that it's my fault that Kohaku is in Naraku's grip, to forget my responsibility....... to forget, period.'

~Is it that important to you?~

_'Well.......' she thought to herself. 'I suppose it is. What harm could it do?'_

~.......Just.......be careful.~

'Oh I will....... It can't do me any harm. It's just a little knife.'

Sango turned the knife over in her hand and  the blade flashed in the moonlight that poured through the treetops.

She pulled her blue cloth bundle out from behind her, being careful not to disturb Kirara from her sleep. She pulled out her little book and set the knife under it. As she tied up the bundle, she smiled bitterly. 'Besides, even if I died, I'm sure nobody would care.'

She set her bundle aside and pulled the sleeping bag back up to her chin. The knife....... It promised a lot to her. And in return for so little. She was already grateful.......

If you want to, I can save you I can take you, away from here 

_So lonely inside, so busy out there_

And all you wanted was somebody who cares.......

'I know you will,' Sango said to herself. 'Thank you so very much.'

She looked down at the kitten stretched across her feet and smiled. 

'I think,' she told herself. 'That my life will be much more easy to live now that I have a way to forget everything.......'

**~_+~_++_~+_~**

This is a teaser chapter. ^-^x If you like it, let me know. I don't want to start something that nobody likes, lol. This should run 15-20 chapters (no longer than 20 I hope) It will stay rather depressing and mostly from Sango's POV, 3rd person. But this will end up Sango/Miroku. ^_________^

Updates, if you want this continued, will be every Saturday, or every other Saturday....... excluding when I have writer's block. 

I'm still working on "Destruction Derby Sango" but I'm going to try writing it all out before I post anything up. That way, if I get bored of it, then I won't have to feel bad by taking it down.

Thank you for reading this, that must mean that my summary seems at least 1/2 –way interesting. ^-^x


	2. I Tried To Kill The Pain

I'm back!! I'm terribly sorry about the delay- *cries and hands out cookies*

I love all of you soooo very much for the reviews! I didn't think anyone would actually like this! *grins really huge* Anyway, since I was such a moron and left ya'll just wondering I suppose an update is in order!!

Ah yes, and look out for a new fanfiction (Inuyasha) but me....... Lol *beats self over the head because of problems with RK fics* Oh and about my RK fics.......Uhmmm I'm turning into Shin-no-shibo, writing stories but rarely updating.......^-^;;; I'm really sorry you guys all I can say is to expect random updates. =P

Here's how the layout of the chapters will go. 

--+--

Author Notes

Title of the story

--Title Chapter

*song lyrics*

+short piece of writing+

Story

Ending Author Notes

--+--

**~_+~_++_~+_~**

First Cut 

_ --I tried to kill the pain_

_Am I too lost_

_To be saved?_

_Am I too lost.......?_

_-**"**_**My Tourniquet"  **

**By :**** Evanescence **

**_Steel glints, in the moonlight,_**

**_A dark-haired girl,_**

**_Is lost in her grief......._**

**_The loneliness is suffocating, _**

**_It swallows her whole......._**

**_And though her friends,_**

**_Surround her-_**

**_They don't know,_**

**_They can't see......._**

**_Her friends are sleeping,_**

**_Eyes closed tight,_**

**_And nobody notices,_**

**_The steel-bladed knife......._**

**_-Kitten Kisses_**

****

**_(hmmm *looks at writing* Weird. I like the last four lines though =P )_**

****

**~_+~_++_~+_~**

****

The sun glared brightly overhead as the small ragtag group readied themselves for a long journey. They were always moving, Kagome noticed. Going here, trudging there, or going back to the village. 

They weren't far from the Bone Eater's well, but Kagome had just come back from the future, and she wasn't going to return anytime soon. Inuyasha had been talking about some "ultimately powerful youkai" that had destroyed several villages in its own attempt to find shards of the Shikon no Tama. 

Kagome shook her head and attempted to stuff her sleeping back into her incredibly large backpack. She growled at the backpack in annoyance when the sleeping back fell back out in a heap on the ground.

"Feh, stupid girl," Inuyasha growled, noticing Kagome's obvious troubles. He picked up the bag and stuffed it into the backpack, closing the clasp swiftly. "That's how it's done," he smirked.

"Whatever," Kagome said, rolling her eyes. "But thank you anyway Inuyasha."

"Kagome!" Shippo bounded into her lap, eyes wide. "You almost sounded like Inuyasha with all that growling!" he put a small paw on her forehead, feeling for a temperature. "Are you alright?"

Kagome grinned as Inuyasha grumbled 'stupid brat' under his breath. "Nah I'm fine Shippo," she told the kitsuné kindly. "Would you see if you can find Sango please? I saw her up and around, but I've got to finish getting the rest of this cleaned up."

"Yes ma'am!" he mock-saluted, scurrying off to find the demon exterminator.

**~_+~_++_~+_~**

****

Sango, meanwhile, sat in the middle of the woods thinking. Her day was already beginning to.......suck, as Kagome would have put it. A small smile formed on her face as she pictured Kagome saying those words. 

'This day will be a very long one,' she thought to herself. 'I can just feel it. More traveling, oh joy.'

Not that staying back at the village was any better. There wasn't anything to do after Kagome left for home. Inuyasha got moody, Shippo was lonely, and Houshi-sama just became even more annoying than he already was. 

_'Stupid hentai!' she thought to herself angrily. 'Not that it should matter.......I.......It is my fault that Kohaku....... that he is under Naraku's control, that my father is gone, that the village is destroyed. I'm supposed to be smart! If I'm so very smart, then why the hell didn't I stop Naraku to begin with? Why didn't I see through his little scheme?'_

The 19-year-old young woman sighed and set her head in her hands. 

__

_'Maybe I do deserve everything....... No. Not maybe.......I know I do!'_

__

"Sango!" a small voice called through the trees. "Sango- ah, there ya are!" Shippo bounded up to her and settled himself in her lap. His big dewy eyes looked into hers cutely. "Kagome wants you to come! We're going to leave here pretty soon." His tail swished lightly against her hand that was settled in her lap. "Why're you here all by yourself?" he asked her quietly. "Isn't it scary?"

"No," Sango said shortly. "I like being alone. It helps me to clear my thoughts."

~Dontcha mean it helps you to make things more complicated for yourself?~

'Grrrrr.......Shut up and mind your own business! You know perfectly well that it was my fault!'

"Uhmm.......Sango is something the matter?" Shippo asked, chewing on his small nails. "You look sorta, I dunno.......mad? Is your hand bothering you?"

"No it's nothing. Hurry along, I'll be right behind you." Sango offered the kawaii little kitsuné a smile, and Shippo immediately obeyed, smiling back.

'I can't believe they sent him after me! Do they think I'm some kind of weakling that needs protecting every other second?'

~No it's more like.......~

'I know, they still think it's my fault. In fact, they're probably making sure I don't go and kill a bunch of people in my desperation.'

She glared at her feet. 

~That's not true and you know it! They're your friends, they care about you!~

'Uh-huh, sure, and that's why I'm here right now. All by myself.'

~You sent Shippo away~ her conscious pointed out. ~So it's your own fault there's nobody here. First of all, you didn't ask anyone and second-- ~

'Hah! They wouldn't have come even if I asked. Except maybe that hentai monk. And he'd have only come to get a good grope or two in.'

~Well you might be right about that last part. But they're still your friends.~

'Maybe. Maybe not. I'm just a stupid  girl who did a lot of stupid things and now I have to pay for it.'

~With what? Your life, your soul?~

'Oh I don't know. Traveling with a group of people who probably can't stand me anymore, now that they know the truth.......'

**~_+~_++_~+_~**

"What's keeping Lady Sango?" Miroku asked Kagome quietly. 

"She said she wanted to clear her thoughts!" Shippo chirped in. "She seemed kinda mad or something." He jumped up onto Kagome's  shoulder and peered at Miroku from the other side of her head.

"Feh, she's probably off whining about yesterday," Inuyasha scoffed.

"Inuyasha!" Miroku glared. 

"What?" he asked.

"Sit!" Kagome said darkly. "You're such a jerk! How can you say something like that!"

"I just did!" Inuyasha yelled, his words muffled by dirt.

"SIT!"

"Really Inuyasha, how can you have no feelings?" Miroku huffed, looking skyward. "I will remember to pray for your soul."

"Feh. Whatever."

"Hopeless!" Kagome muttered. "Totally hopeless!"

**~_+~_++_~+_~**

**Way Back Flashback**

Sango sniffed, her palm over her mouth. "I didn't mean to, it was an.......I'm so sorry.......okaa-san......."

Small feet pattered across the floor, and a light knock on her shoji was heard.

"Come in," she mumbled, and a small boy with black hair walked in,  stopping in front of her, his eyes wide and sweet. The dark brown orbs radiating kindness. 

"Sango, are you alright?" he asked gently. 

"It's all my fault," a twelve year old Sango whimpered. "All my, all my fault......."

"No sis, it wasn't your fault." Kohaku scooted closer to her, twisting his head upside-down to get a look at his sister's face. "Okaa-san......." he shook his head lightly. "There was nothing you could have done."

"But it was my fault!" she cried, her head snapping up. "I didn't do anything! I did nothing right! Now both of them are gone and it's all my fault!"  

"But-"

"No 'buts' Kohaku! You know it was my fault! If I had been at home like I was supposed to have been, instead of sparring with the village boys, she would still be here! I'm never using this again!" she yelled, flinging her Hiraikotsu across the room. It landed loudly on the floor, leaving a slight dent. "It's cursed! It made me kill them! It made me.......It......."

"It didn't Sango!" Kohaku insisted. "You did the only thing you could-"

"That's right. It was my fault. It's my fault they're gone. Now because of my stupidity I'll never see either of them again."

"But what about your Hiraikotsu?" he asked, pointing to the boomerang.

"I'm never using it again! Weapons only kill, they help nothing. Do you understand? They don't help anyone or anything! They're only instruments used to kill others'."

Kohaku sighed and ruffled Sango's hair with his small hand. "I'm not blaming you for it," he said softly, leaving the room.

"Mew?"

Sango looked down at her trusted pet, the birthday gift she'd received at eight years old from her parents. From both of them.......She picked up the tiny youkai kitty and hugged her close. 

Kirara rubbed her nose against Sango's cheek, mewing softly. 

Suddenly, a rock hit her window, a loud 'clunk' sounding through the room. She put down the tiny kitty and peered out of the window.

Kirara put her front paws on the window sill and looked down at the people below. 

"Bitch!" one young man yelled. "You killed her!"

"It's not even a girl! Look at the way it dresses!"

"I think wench is more like it!" another shouted. "I can't believe you had the gall to kill your own mother!"

"And while she was in the family way too!" a woman glared. "How dare you!"

"Yeah!" they shouted, yelling and grumbling some more. 

But Sango heard none of it. She shut the panels around the window quickly and picked up her small kitty. "I'm not wanted here anyway," she sniffed into her cat's fur. "I'm leaving......."

"Mew!"

"I don't care if it's a dumb idea. I'm dumb. I'm stupid. So it fits me." She started packing her things into a gunny sack. "I killed her and it's all my fault. I'm gonna leave her and I'm never looking back." She slung the small sack over her shoulder and picked up Kirara, settling her on her shoulder. "Let's go," she mumbled, stepping out of the back shoji, never once looking back. 

A small boy with brown eyes and dark hair watched her leave from his bedroom window. "Ah sis.......it wasn't your fault and I'm not going to blame you for it......." He glanced down sadly at the floor. "It was my fault......."

**~_+~_++_~+_~**

Ohhhhhhhh........*looks at the newly written chapter* Interesting, interesting. So, how WAS Sango's mother's death, Kohaku's fault? Hmmm? Hmmm? Huh? Huh? Lol

And why would Sango think that her friends' wouldn't like her anymore? Hmmmm guess ya'll will have to wait for the next chapter! ^-^x

Ahhh the joys of snow days.......hehe This is the second one I've had this week! I just had one yesterday! But I think I'd like to go to school tomorrow. Maybe a two-hour delay?

Anywayz, thank you all *so* much for reading! I *really* appreciate it! I didn't think anyone was going to like this fic! Anyway, I'm going to start another one (as I said).......i'm not sure of the title yet (as I'm a moron and haven't thought of one) but my muse *hugs her muse* Has thought of an awesome idea. *whispers* My muse is a baby cow.......if you wanna see her email me and I'll email you a picture =P  My email's in my profile. ^-^

*candy to the reviewers* You guys made my day! Oh it's been so long since I've done review responses I need shot. XD Just haven't had time for them recently really. Hehe. Okies onto the "Personalies"!

**Personalies****!**(otherwise known as review responses)

Meta Lise- Ah thanks I'm guessing you liked it at least a little? *hugs first reviewer*

Unique Starfish- *dies* An awesome writer from the RK section is reviewing my lil' ol ficcie? *glomps starfish* THANK YOU!!

Skye Silvereye- Hey girl! It's been forever since I've talked with you! How've ya been? Thankies sooo much for reviewing my little story!! Hehe Yeah Sango would prolly be to strong-willed but it's a fanfiction, lol so I suppose that can happen. =) WooT. And if it can't then uhhh I guess it can't. ah well. Hey drop me a line sometime! ^-^x

Kenshinobsessed- Do you really think it's sad? That's exactly what I'm going for! Thanks!

Junyortrakr- Well I've read lots of fics out there where kagome ends up cutting herself. *sighs* Usually they're okay I've just never understood why kagome would do something like that. I mean, even if inuyasha is a jerk, that's not a very good excuse. ^^;; Thanks for reviewing!!

Kaylana- Hmmm? What's that mean! Lol! Sorry it took so long to get this out, I am very lazy and sorta x_x about writing. *sighs* I'll try to update this more often, okies?

Katrina-chan- Hey! I loved your review and I'm sooooooooooo happy you liked it! I have to apologizing for making this chapter come out so late though! I didn't want for that to happen but I sorta forgot just a little…*cringes* Anyway, your review was very fun to read! (and long too! ^_________^) No flames yet! *Grins* Thanks for the support though! *hands a cookie* Did I ever review for your fic? I can't remember! Let me know if I haven't and I'll go do that!

Yasha1302- I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for reading! Review again? *puppy eyes*

WhiteTigerLilly- Hi! Are you the same whitetigerlilly that used to review my older inu stories? If so, WELCOME BACK!! Ah that's terrible that your friend cuts herself! And that you used to! *hugs* You're such an awesome and faithful reviewer! I'm glad you're still hanging around in the IY section! ^-^x *cookies*

Kathryn MB Denson- Hello! Don't worry I'm not gonna end the story! Well I plan to, who can say if I'll actually do it? Reviews help though! Lol. Thanks for reviewing!! ^-^x

SakuraSango- Hey thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you like it so far! Was this chapter ok or was it too stupid?

VenusGirl- I'm glad you like depressing things!! ^-^x And I'm glad you enjoyed my story! Did you like this chapter? 

White Sango- My last reviewer! Hey I've read some of your stuff (can't remember if I reviewed or not) but it's good! Thanks for reading this AND reviewing! Your review was very interesting! Ouch! I'm glad my hand hasn't been shut in a car door! (Though this afternoon I shut MYSELF in the front door) I'm such a klutz. Lol ^^


End file.
